HONORABLE MENTIONS

I think

Over the last few weeks, my blog has gone from jokey jokes to way too serious instantly. Knowing that no one reads this it is pretty easy to write exactly how I feel about everything. I am fighting the idea of just straight up dissapearing. I have been banished from my own little world and now I think I should maybe move on. I dont know, I go one way then another on the subject. Where would I go? Does not really matter to me. A ditch somewhere, a wooden meadow somewhere in the world. Maybe a homeless camp. I just hope that I effected one person, that one person will have one good thing to say about me to the others who will rag on me.

I think I just gave up. Guess what world, you win.

Birds and flowers and Honesty

Do you think that we, as a people, will ever be just ok with everything that goes on day to day?  I mean, I for one, drive myself crazy with what could have beens, and what should have beens. It keeps me up till 1 am thinking about it. When will we get over things? Or really when will I? I have seen alot in my lifetime. I have taken a lot of shit, and seen a lot of hurt. We go on our day to day lives and just keep pushing, hoping we can make it.

Sometimes you have to. As the thoughts way heavy on my soul I am trying to see the light ahead of me. I got an encouraging email a few weeks back. Reminding me that the sun is there shining, I just cant see it. I know this person is very world wise so I will hope for this sun to break through these dark and dreary clouds soon. I have been stuck in this hell hole long enough. Mind you I sorta dug it myself, but at the same time, never expected it to be this deep. I dont really remember using dynamite to dig it. But the ringing in my ears spells otherwise.

I lost 2 friends recently that very much hurt to lose. These are people I spent time getting to know, loving, and sacrificing for them. It seems they both turned there back on me and here I stand, without either of them. One of them was always that person I could talk to about anything, the other one, well, that is a whole other story. I still care for them, and wish them well, but it sucks, and has been hard to deal with.

A few of the other people in my life have decided it is much easier to ignore I exist. I have reached out to them a few times and have yet to get a response. It is upsetting but at this rate, makes total sense. I talked about the loneliness in one of my last posts. It has not gone away yet. The place I am living at currently is not going to be here much longer.

What am I doing wrong? Why has everyone abandoned me?

All the wild horses

So, I am sitting here at 4 in the morning trying to clear my head so to speak. I have gotten a total of about 14 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours. Pretty crazy stuff right there. Usually it is the opposite and I get less. Anyways, that is boring and you didnt come here for me to bore you. Unless you like being really bored, and I have to say you can leave now. Because, I am not that boring.

You ever have those dreams that seem super real? And when you wake up you totally want to go back to sleep just to finish them? Yeah, I like those too. Lately, I have not been dreaming. At all. Which is strange for me cause I have some of the craziest dreams of anyone I know. But for about 4 months now, I have not dreamt. Now, it could be that I have not had a solid straight through 8 hour sleep. I mean I sleep 7 or so hours a day but its broken into 2 parts usually.

I have come to conclude it is because mentally I am exhausted. My brain is running a million miles an hour all day trying to figure out the mess that is Erik Goninan’s life that it completely shuts down when I sleep. So I have come to the conclusion that I need more sleep and less thinking about stuff all day. I need to shut it up. I really miss my dreams.

Work update for those loyal 4 readers. I got some responses, but not yet have any interviews. Ill keep pushing. Dont be surprised if I end up on a ranch somewhere, working with all the wild horses……you see how I tied it in there? The title. ha. awesome.

Im off to play some xbox before the host awakens. I get to spend some time with my mom today. Im hoping she will feed me.

Erik, Out.

The misadventures of one life in the stopped lane.

Dear Anonymous user-

I am writing you to give you a small update on the life of one Erik Goninan. I understand if you are clicking on the wrong thing, if you want to back out, please do so. Just click the big arrow that looks like a less than symbol on your upper tab. Those of you who are still here, it has been awhile. If you were curious as to how I am doing, well. In all honesty, I am confused. About as confused as you can get. Depending on who you are and our relationship, you may also be confused. Confused as to why I am confused. Well, we are now both confused are we not? And trust me, this is coming from an already confused person, it is not fun being confused. But I digress, I am confused for the following reasons.

1. What the heck?
2. How dare you?
3. Look, just because you think its all fun and games right now, does not mean it will be fun and games in the future.

Now, what to do with those 3 points? I don’t know. This is why I am confused. I have been sleeping on a couch, in a dirty apartment(no matter how clean I try to get it, it is still dirty), eating Cereal, mac and cheese, and hot dogs, for the last 2 months of my life, trying to figure out how to get my life back together after such an epic collapse, I’m surprised I’m not the 11 o’clock news story. I mean its ridiculous. Yes, it sounds like I have grown slightly bitter right? Well, I sorta have. Now, I’m not blaming my problems on others. That would be not only too easy, but way too silly. How is Vin Diesel responsible for my failures? I mean, I can blame him for me hating various movies but that is about it. If I was going to blame someone for my problems I would either A) Blame Obama or B) Blame Bill Leavy. I mean come on dude, how can you blow that many calls in one football game? Sigh.

Once again, I digress. So what does this all have to do with anything at all? Well, to be totally honest. Everything. Never in my life have I felt so alone than I do right now. Whoops, sorry to get all Marty Mcfly on you(aka heavy) but its the truth. And honesty is the only policy these days. Cant sugar cote life. Its not frosted flakes(see a cereal reference, now you know what I have been eating too much of). I feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I am failing to keep it together. Since I have left Seattle I have barely heard from anyone. I understand people getting busy, and that I don’t have a phone. But unless you never check facebook or have me blocked, I am always checking it.

I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad, not at all. We all get busy, blah blah, cliche statement about blah blah. Lets just say in all fairness, I have come to realize who of my friends are the real ones and those who are not. Now, I was shocked by some of the things I saw and felt. Some of the people I expected to disappear  from, but some of the others. Shocking. This has turned to cliche about real friends and blah blah blah. But I want to thank the real ones, who have gone out of there way to say hi, once or twice. There are 3 of you, and I wont name names but thank you. And to my one friend who treated me better than anyone else on the planet. I owe you. So much, that I don’t know if I can ever repay you, but someday I will and when I do. It. will. be. EPIC.

I’m posting this on my blog instead of my facebook because the 3 of you that actually care will read it. And I appreciate it. Yes, judge me for putting all my crap out there, but I’m real, this is real, and I’m tired of never being real. If you feel, you have lost touch and its because of distance and you got busy. I understand, I’m not complaining. I’m just being honest about how I feel. Now, this sorta sounds bitter and spiteful slightly. I mean I could probably take it as a whiny ass punk who has serious issues dealing with things. But in all honesty, I don’t really care how you take this. Just take it with a grain of salt and know, I’m not whining. I’m being honest.

But, I must bid you farewell. For it is late, I’m tired, its hot, this apartment smells terrible, and I’m pretty sure that in 4.5 hours I will be woken up by the crunching of cereal and the drinking of pepsi max.

Don’t hate the player, hate the orange tanned, fo hawked, muscle t shirt wearing, Jabroni.

Love, Erik

PS Seriously Bill? 5 years later you say you are haunted by those calls, and you made mistakes….WHY DID YOU MAKE THOSE IN THE FIRST PLACE???? Oh and its good timing to say it while you happen to be in Seattle, probably fearing for your life. What a bitch.

You think your cool

You do dont you? With your little hat, and your book, your coffee. You listen to your trendy underground music, and talk using those fancy words. You try to make it look like to others that you are so cultured.

Dont believe the hype in yourself.

Changes are coming…..

I have decided to change the name of my blog if its possible. Im tired of this one.

That was probably a weird way to start a post when I have not talked to the internet in a while. Sorry lets start over.

Hi, hows it going? Super. Things here are interesting. I just got back a few weeks ago from a month long road trip across the united states. It was cool seeing other parts of the country, the only regrets I have is the person I went with. I got to know this person in a different way and what I saw I didnt like anymore. Not to mention the heartache it caused me. Just so I dont get too personal and bitchy about things, lets just say, never should have gone with that person.

I can never understand certain people. Some people I get, those are the fun ones that I love spending most of my time with, but when I meet someone, then they turn out to be something they were not, its upsetting. Oh well. It happens, we move on. In the month of july I have managed to lose a few friends. Its been an experience. So thats why I am changing things. Im moving on with my life to other things and newer places and faces. Ill never forget the times, but we must move on. Changes will come in the next few days to this look hopefully. We will see.

Later for now.

Thoughts from the unemployed

It has been so long since I have written a blog. I figured, I better, I have lots to talk about.

……..

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Um…..

Just kidding. So about a month and a half ago I officially became unemployed. With thoughts of adventure and new things in my head, I was very excited to be on this journey. Come 4 weeks later, I realized this adventure was not cracked up to be what I expected. I have officially begun to freak out. When one needs to live on things like money and one does not have a job. It begins to get tough out there. The job market sucks and I have been applying and looking for what feels like forever. I have been shot down by multiple company’s for unknown reasons. I wish they would just tell me why they wont hire me. I have to make a living somehow. If I cant get a job, how am I going to live?

I need a company to take a chance on me because that is all I have. I really dont know what life will be like in a week, a month, a year? I can speculate but I would rather not.

At first I was using my time to look for a job, to read, to enjoy this life I had. What I should have been doing was working at McDonalds so I could have some money. We live and learn I guess. This moment has been hard on me, between losing friends, and not knowing what to do. I have lost my own sense of who I am, I feel like I have lost so many things. Its weird how no job will do that to someone.

Anyways, Ill have more thoughts up later. Gotta jettison to space.

Later peeps.

Working title

You know, lately I have been getting really bored. Its not really a good thing. I have been just been waiting for something epic to happen. It doesnt and so I just keep waiting. When I get bored I tent to let my mind wonder. There is a 4 stage process that happens.

Part 1: The “Should I move somewhere else?” thoughts. Typically I shouldnt but I still think about it. When you are bored with the same thing day in and day out, you look for a change.

Part 2: The “Maybe I should of made some better choices” thoughts. You know with school and college. I dont think that cures boredom.

Part 3: The relationship thoughts. Usually ends in disaster, usually never a good idea to cure boredom.

Part 4: Embracing the boredom by reading a book. Usually lasts about a month until the cycle repeats itself.

I know, I am very strange. But at least im willing to admit it. They always say only boring people get bored. But I think the most non boring people can get bored. But ill believe what I want!

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

I know. I am terrible at updating. My life has been pretty busy lately. Lots of things both good and hard have been going on. I have been running in my head over and over lately stuff with the guitar. I am not that good and I have come to the point that I either need to step up again or let it go. I have been playing for almost a year now, and I still only know 5 chords. Its frustrating sometimes. I want to write songs and play them but for some reason im being stopped. I have friends who have recomended lots of books. I want to read them, I know I have the time. I guess I just need to stop complaining and read a dang book!

I need to start writing again too. I just need to hunker down and get it done. I have had this story in my head for about 6 years now and I really just need to put it down on the paper. Its  a really good one and I know the masses would enjoy hearing it! im just…well I guess im lazy.

Eh. Whatever. until next time.

Back from the east coast

So im back from the east coast and fully settled into my old ruitine. Makes me sad that I have to get back into things. At the same time its a sigh of relief. Being gone for 2 weeks I was getting kinda homesick for certain people. I had fun and would choose to go again. I learned alot through this trip. About myself and others. Stuff i needed to know and stuff i didnt but glad I found out. I am making a list right now as to things I learned on the east coast.

1. Driving is insane over there! People are very impatient and honk if you dont move within 0.01 seconds of the light turning green. and it would be someone 4 cars back.

2. Pedestrians cross whenever wherever they feel like it. Seriously, It was so different.

3. Lots of tolls. By lots i mean wow. Its pretty crazy.

4. Times square is gratuatious. Its so massive and in your face.

5. The food on the east coast is good. I loved it all.

Thats all I got time for. I have a boatload more I can say but I will guard my tongue.

Later world